Screw You, Anxiety

At one point in my life this is not something I would have brought up on my own or openly talked about.  I found it embarrassing and was afraid of looking weak.  I think all people have a closeted issue they like to keep to themselves for the same reason - looking weak, being embarrassed, feeling alone, being judged.  Could be addiction, depression, OCD, ADD, PTSD, IBS, who knows!  Today I am admitting mine and it's self-diagnosed panic disorder.  Albeit I have a very minor case of it, but that's my (or one of my) "issues."

Looking back at my few incidents I can finally laugh at the unfortunate memories.  I'm not saying anxiety issues are funny because many people suffer from it to a debilitating degree.  I have a much less serious form of it and have been able to find the humor in my personal experiences.  So please don't read this as though I'm insensitive to people with anxiety or think it's funny.  If something happened to me again I wouldn't be able to find the humor in my new incident for quite some time.

There have been two times in my life where my nerves got the better of me.  The first time was in college and the second time was during my professional career.  Both times my body reacted the same internally, but they each had different external outcomes for the audiences that got to witness them.

Growing up I never had issues with anxiety.  I would get nervous to get up in front of people, but I always succeeded and did just fine.  I'm sure being in performance activities like show choir and color guard during high school helped me in the classroom when I had to give reports or presentations.  Which is why I was completely unprepared and blindsided for what happened my freshman year of college.  Of all classes for this to happen in it was my sociology class - the study of the origin, development, organization and functions of human society.  I think the only more ironic class this could have happened in was psychology.  The class was split up into groups to prepare group presentations on different topics.  My group planned accordingly, we all prepared our own portions of the presentation and were ready to present on time.  No reason for extra nerves and I wasn't even up there alone.  We all stood at the front of the class together and eventually it was my turn to approach the podium and present my part.  It was in powerpoint form on the computer in front of me, projected up on the screen.  I was doing just fine until all of a sudden I started feeling really fuzzy.  My body felt weak and my vision became very tunneled.  Darkness started closing in from both sides and I only saw light directly in front of me.  And then the worst part happened.  I started hallucinating.  (Yes, I know what you're thinking and no I was not on anything).  The little vision I had left, which was my computer screen right in front of me, went completely white.  The words and images just disappeared from the screen.  But then one tiny letter appeared in the distance and slowly floated towards my face, growing bigger the closer it got, and then popped like a bubble right in front of me.  Then another letter did the same thing.  Then another.  I felt completely outside of myself.  I tried to continue talking based on memory but eventually one of my group members said something like "Okay, let's move on to the next part."  Luckily there was a chair against the chalkboard that I could sit in.  Once I sat, sweat started pouring down my face as though I just ran a marathon in 100 degree heat.  I leaned forward, taking deep breaths, trying to get my heart rate under control, as well as my sweat glands.  I couldn't tell you how the rest of my group did.  Once the group was done I went back to my seat where the teacher had been sitting at the empty desk next to mine.  I asked him if I could leave because I wasn't feeling well and his very inconsiderate response was "This isn't meant to torture people" in a very rude way.  Not the response I was expecting from a sociology teacher.  When I reiterated I didn't know what was wrong with me and wanted to leave he said "whatever" but by that time the next group was up and starting and the last thing I wanted to do at that point was bring more attention to myself, so I just sunk in my seat and wondered what the hell just happened.  In that moment I didn't even consider anxiety because the experience was so new to me.  All I knew was that I was completely embarrassed and hated attending that class for the remainder of the semester.  I also lost all respect for that teacher.  Later on when I apologized to my group I told them what happened and how I tried to continue from memory, which is when they told me I actually had stopped talking and was just standing there.  This only added to my embarrassment.  So I guess me speaking was also a hallucination.  Every time I entered that class for the rest of the semester I felt all eyes were on me for being that weird girl who just stared at everyone blankly from behind the podium, and then perspired her body weight.  As I contemplated over time what that experience was, the last thing I wanted it to be was anxiety.  If it was anxiety that meant I lost control over myself, and I'm a bit of a control freak.  It meant I showed weakness to a group of people who are easily judgmental.  It meant it could happen again, which terrified me.  After it happened this one time I was and forever will be afraid of it happening again.  I began to fear presentations and getting in front of people way more than I ever had in the past.  I changed my way of signing up for classes, avoiding ones I knew would put me in this position again.  Required courses that forced this, such as Public Speaking, I took during summer school in hopes the classes would be smaller, or at least less formal.  It was a new kind of scared I had to contend with.  After my sophomore year I transferred schools (for unrelated reasons) and decided to stand up to my fear and push the boundaries I had set for myself.  So of all things, I got involved with a comedy group.  This was at a time that I was scared of speaking in public, I didn't think I was funny and I didn't think I was creative.  Best. Idea. Ever!  But that's for a whole other blog post.  This definitely helped with performance issues and I got through college without any more anxiety mishaps.

Once I graduated and began looking for my first job the fear set in again and I chose to not look for positions that would require speaking to large groups of people.  Small groups (meaning 5), fine.  Large groups (10+), bad.  About 4 or 5 years into the workforce I was spontaneously asked to explain a web reporting program to our largest client who was visiting from another state.  The client is a very well-known automotive brand who spent tens of millions with our company.  I got nervous, but no preparation was really needed as it wasn't so much a presentation as it was just showing how I used this reporting tool on a daily basis.  I had about an hour to at least get some organized thoughts together in my head.  The setting of the second incident was in the main board room.  There were about 20 people, a mixture of client visitors and internal coworkers.  Enough that the long conference table had every seat taken and more had to sit in chairs along the walls of the room.  When I walked in I saw a podium, a computer and a projector.  All the bad memories came rushing back, but I did my normal internal chill out talk to myself.  I'm pretty good at acting like I'm more fine than I am in those situations.  I began speaking and was doing fine.  I actually got through it, but remained up there to answer questions after my boss added a few comments to what I had shared.  And then the fuzzy feeling came.  I thought "oh shit, here it goes again."  Since I knew what the fuzzy feeling meant this time I tried to be proactive.  What I should have done was sit down.  Instead, I walked to the beverage table and got a coke thinking maybe sugar will help to suppress my inner jitters.  Clearly I wasn't thinking correctly.  I walked back to the podium, ever so carefully through my escalating tunnel vision trail, took one sip, set the coke down on the podium, and then...wait for it...I fainted.  This was not a glamorous fall.  I did not fall back on a bed of pillows with my knees clasped together and the back of my hand ever so slightly touching my forehead.  This was a jaw-dropping did she just die fall.  I was standing about 2 feet in front of a wall that was actually a bunch of built-in cabinets.  Unfortunately the cabinet directly behind me was open just a crack.  So as I fell backwards my head hit the cabinet which slammed shut and made everyone jump, not to mention bring all eyes in my direction.  And because the wall stopped my fall while still fairly upright, my knees buckled and my back slid down the cabinets to the floor until I was sitting on my butt with my knees up in front of me.  PRAISE JESUS I was wearing pants.  I had considered more feminine options that morning.  Now I was clearly unconscious during this, but based on how I was before I fainted and when I woke up quickly after, I imagine that is an accurate description.  Right as I hit the floor I began to come to, and two girls I worked with that were closest to me each grabbed an arm and pulled me up.  The second I was in a standing position I made a beeline for the door ignoring the awkward silence of the room.  I went directly to the bathroom which had a chair and I just sat there chanting "that did not just happen, that did not just happen."  Once again the sweat started pouring.  The two girls who pulled me up followed me in to make sure I was okay.  One of my unforgiving, incessant, workaholic, unhumorous clients came in to check on me, and trying to find humor in the situation I jokingly said "Do you have any more questions?"  She unjokingly said "Actually I do" and while standing in the bathroom proceeded to ask me like five more questions, and I quickly answered as I continued to dab the sweat off my face.  I didn't go back to the board room.  Throughout the rest of the day as people stopped by my cubicle to check on me (clients included) my face turned red knowing they either heard about it or were one of the lucky ones that got to witness it.

A few years later when I began searching for my next job I chose to face my fears again, just like in college, and the next company I worked for put me in front of much more than 20 people that I spoke to on a fairly consistent basis.  And over time I actually learned to enjoy it.

At the beginning I said I had self-diagnosed panic disorder.  This is because I've never seen a psychiatrist about it.  But after doing some minor research I found this from Anxiety and Depression Association of America which sounds just like my story: [Panic disorder is diagnosed in people who experience spontaneous seemingly out-of-the-blue panic attacks and are preoccupied with the fear of a recurring attack.  Panic attacks occur unexpectedly, sometimes even during sleep.  About 6 million American adults experience panic disorder in a given year.  Typically developing in early adulthood, women are twice as likely as men to have P.D.]  While 6 million Americans may seem like a large number in general, it's really not when you put it in perspective.  That's like the population of Atlanta, which is only 2.7% of the entire U.S. population.  That kinda bummed me out because it made me feel more alone than I expected to be.  However with further research I realized I was only looking at my type of anxiety of panic disorder.  There are many types of anxiety, affecting 40 million adults 18+ in the U.S. which is 18% of the population.  While I hate it for those 40 million people, it shamefully makes me feel better about myself.  I always hear that public speaking is the #1 thing people are afraid of, even more so than death.  But most are able to get through it without embarrassing incidents.

Although many people take medicine for these issues, I have refrained, partially because I'm not to a debilitating level where it has lead to an unsatisfactory life.  More so because I'm in denial about it.  I don't like to have things wrong with me.  I can admit to having had panic attacks and I can openly write about having self-diagnosed panic disorder based on the ADAA description above, but I don't think of myself as a person with panic disorder.  Does that make sense?  Even though I've had these incidents, I still always try to overcome the situation when I'm put into it.  Sometimes I succeed and clearly I have failed a couple times.  And it's very possible the fuzzy feeling will return again when I don't expect it, and although on that day I'll be embarrassed and crying, I'll have another story to tell years after it happens having found humor in it.

Whenever I see a celebrity win one of those televised awards (like an Oscar) and they give this perfect, eloquent, calm speech, I am in awe.  If that were me I would get up there and blankly stare at everyone, wobble back and forth on my skinny heels, faint (with a dress on) and someone would be dragging me off stage like a mop leaving a slippery trail of sweat behind.  Here's hoping I never win an Oscar.