Misinterpreted Expectations

When I was a working mom I had these images in my head of what it would be like if I stayed home. And as the prospect of staying home started becoming more realistic those images continued, but with even more gusto.  I have to admit, one of the things I was most looking forward to (other than spending more time with my daughter) was being productive.  I was Wonder Woman in my head!  The house would stay clean more often, I would learn how to cook and have wonderful meals a few times a week, I would have children activities scheduled out in advance, I would get back to my many hobbies, I would become a Pinterest fanatic and maybe become so creative with my free time that I wouldn't even need Pinterest, cabinets and closets would get purged during Eva's nap times, my home office would get organized again, those things on my to-do list from over 2 years ago would get accomplished, the frames around the house would get filled and updated along with the baby book, I would be excited about art activities with Eva, I would work out every morning before she wakes up...AND I WOULD DO IT ALL WITH SO MUCH ENERGY!!

Three months into staying home I can tell you I have failed.  My expectations were too great.  The thoughts in my head were unknowingly a fantasy.  I do not work out before she gets up because she gets up at 5am.  I have made three nice meals (that equals one per month if you can't do the math) because my husband travels so much there's no reason to make a big meal for myself and a kid who probably won't eat it.  The house has become more dirty.  My office is still a disaster.  Frames are still empty.  I don't get excited about art activities because it equals a mess I have to clean up.  I have re-introduced myself to one hobby which is this, writing, but I often do it with a whiny child in the background or at night as my head bobs from exhaustion.  I am proud to say I have purged one cabinet.

Those who don't stay at home may ask, "So what do you do all day if none of this is getting done?"  Here is my answer.  I am following a curious child around like its shadow because all she wants to do right now is get into the things I've told her not to get into.  I am saying "no," "stop," "don't," "get down," "get off," "sit down," "stand up," "put that back," "put that away," "no ma'am," "get off the dog," "don't kick the dog," "pet nice," "go play," "pick that up," but most importantly, "I love you."  I am "making" three meals a day which equals about 3 hours because my child does not inhale food like some.  Instead she incessantly asks for cheese and anything else I give her is smeared around her tray and eaten at snail speed.  (Side note: I just had to wipe crayon off the wood floor).  Nap time is a luxury that does not last long enough.  I always have good intentions of using her nap time productively, but I usually fail at this too.  The 1-3 hours I get when she naps goes faster than any other time I've ever had 1-3 hours in my life.  I've watched or listened to Elmo's Potty Time DVD more than I can count.  I limit it to once a day both for my sanity and to feel like a good mom for not giving her too much screen time. I can only hear little kids and muppets state what they call pee and poop so much.  When Gordon (a human) is telling Elmo, Baby Bear and Curly Bear different terms we use for our waste I always smile thinking how awesome it'd be if instead of him saying "Number 1 and Number 2" he'd say "piss and shit."  The irony of using curse words on a children's program makes me giggle, if only for a moment.  I am constantly explaining why I can't take her grandparents out of pictures or characters out of books.  She insists on grabbing at these items while saying "out."  I am running errands and buying necessities.  I am reading the same books over and over.  I am saying no to cheese about 30 times a day.  I am taking her to the pool, swim lessons, library, zoo, park, botanical gardens, etc.  I am reading newsletter emails and websites that inform me of activities for kids around town, preferably cheap or free.  I am giving nightly baths and taking a shower whenever I can find time to de-grease myself - usually during nap or bedtime so I can do it in peace.  I am doing daily tasks like dishes and laundry.  I am changing diapers.  I am in the early stages of potty training which means staring at a half naked baby waiting impatiently for just one dribble to come out so I can shout Hooray!  And I am doing much of this WITH NO ENERGY AT ALL!!  She drains me from the moment I'm forced awake at 5am.  And somehow, even though I've done much of the above each day and am exhausted I can get to the end of the day and feel like I've accomplished nothing.  I'm beginning to think I was more productive at home when I worked 40 hours a week.  Something about the structure of life during that time helped me mark things off my personal list in addition to working and being a mom.  But then again I was only seeing her for 5 waking hours at the most each day.

In the Fall Eva will begin Mother's Day Out just twice a week for four hours.  I am looking forward to this.  Although I will worry about her those 8 hours of every week because I am putting her safety in the hands of someone else, I know it will benefit my sanity and her social education.  And I pray to God it benefits my productivity.  Once again I have this image in my head of ALL the things I'll accomplish in those 8 hours.  We will see.

The other day while wiping something down with Eva's baby wipe I noticed some dirt on the back of my hand.  I tried wiping it off only to discover they were two new age spots.  I guess I'm blessed with those instead of gray hairs.  I realize this all sounds like a complaint.  But for every trying experience that may last minutes or even hours, for every age spot, for every toddler tantrum, for all my failed expectations, for every ounce of energy that is stolen from me there is a smile that melts my heart, a run-at-me-fast smooshy hug, a hand that wants to hold mine and a sleepy face that wants to drift off to sleep looking at me.  And I somehow find myself wanting another.  I guess everything else will have to wait.

Watching Elmo's Potty Time.  Yes, I realize her pants are on inside out.  At least the tag was in the back.

I kept up on this really well until month 11.  It's been almost a year since month 11.

The mess that ensues every day.  You can see that it even makes Eva overwhelmed.

Happy at Aldridge Gardens